One and Done. Race Report

So, this weekend was the weekend I had been waiting for, Ghost Train 100. So much went onto getting to this race...and for me it was so much MORE than a race.

This last year or so has probably been one of the hardest years of my life. Some pretty intense personal stuff, along with assorted other mountains to climb ...all starting shortly before last year's Ghost Train. Last year I signed up for the 100 and unfortunately went in with a health issue that became quite serious during the race. I had to drop at 60 and it was a very scary time for my pacer and family. Much medical investigating later it was found that I had Silent Reflux and something called Runner's Ischemia except I get nauseous and puke instead of what is described in this article(don't read while eating breakfast...just a suggestion) My amazing GI doc told me how to deal with it, so that I could continue running. (once he heard what I did, he said "clearly running less is out of the question." Heh.)

I have done a LOT of personal growth over the last year, as well as focusing on getting as healthy and strong as I could. Not just for this race, but for life. I finally am over a year without Lyme symptoms and off ALL Lyme related meds which is something I have not been able to say for most of my adult life. So coming into this race, it turned into something very personal...I knew I was going to finish this race no matter what. It became clear to me early that I would probably not make the cut off and I didn't care. It wasn't about getting a *finish* or having my name on a list or in a magazine...it was about doing this for *me*...a coming full circle...of finishing something I started well over a year ago. Of knowing I could FINALLY trust my body, it was healthy and strong...I was going to do this no matter how long it took.

I am going to try and recap this race lap by lap...I want to remember this...I want to look back any time I am feeling down on myself and remember just how strong I am. :)

Pre Race.
I got to the race early as I wanted a good parking spot as my oldest son Jeffrey, crew/volunteer extraordinaire, was with me and I wanted him to have easy access to the car to sleep, etc. As we were having breakfast in the car, my reflux kicked in. I could. not. believe it. It NEVER just *happens*. Instead of getting worried, I just packed some extra tums and knew I would need to be REALLY on top of hydration and eating. Got to hang out and stay warm, then the usual Hello's to all my peeps :) Got to chat with Lou, and see my client/friends Julie and Kathi who were there for their first attempt at 30 miles, along with the other usual suspects...gave the RD Steve a big hug and many other familiar faces that were there for this fabulous race. I was SO happy to see so many people out there, and SO many people with their first Ultra attempt! Best race to do it at, imo :)

0-15
Started off all the way in the back as I knew I wanted to go slow. Ended up spending some time alone getting into my groove and chatted with other ultra pals here and there. Fell into a good pace, but definitely knew something was off right away. I could NOT believe this was happening again...same as last year. But, I was not going to let it get to me. I knew I would just need to adjust my strategy, and stay on top of my drinking and eating, and be sure not to take ibuprofin too often.

16-30
Still feeling *off* but otherwise pretty good. The weather was amazing, people were so happy and it was great to pass people out and back. I was doing a fairly consistent run/walk at this point, and moving along pretty well. Towards the end of the lap, Mushie came out to greet me and I was SO happy. Mentally, knowing she was there was a huge boost. She ran in with me as we made plans for pacers for the duration of the race. I was eating at EVERY aid station, which I never do, and drinking to thirst. My Tailwind/Tang blend...Mmmm :)

31-45
This was a longer stop than I had planned, but change in pacing duties had Dave coming out with me for this lap and he was not ready as he thought he had a night lap :) This gave me a chance to  refill my bladder, grab my headlamp, a sweatshirt and finalize the pacing duties. Mushie was leaving to get her night running stuff and try to get some sleep, and my other pacer Mike was on stand-by for the first night loop. Dave and I took off and had a great time. I cannot tell you how happy I was to be running with him. To do something I love so much with someone I love so much was SO awesome. To be able to share this crazy sport, to let him see first hand what its all about...was so fantastic. (and I don't think I was dreaming when I heard him say HE was going to run it next year...) We had a good lap chatting, doing the run/walk thing and enjoying the afternoon/evening. I was glad it was getting dark on this lap as I wanted him to see the pumpkins, which we did, as well as the luminaries(DAMN there were a lot of them, lol) He was a great pacer, making sure I ate and drank, and doing all the right things :) This would become VERY important later... I got back and washed up and changed into my night running clothes, grabbed my poles and refilled and get ready for the overnight which is usually the part that kills me as I HATE running overnight.

45-60
I knew the next 2 laps were going to be the most difficult mentally. This is the lap last year where things went downhill rapidly. I was glad to have Mike as my pacer for this lap as he is SO exuberant and I knew he would talk me through this lap (literally ;) ) He did just that. He kept me going, walking fast so I would keep up a decent pace, reminding me to run when the trail looked good. Made sure I ate and drank, which I did, and we just had a good time. I felt good, aside from feeling a bit tired at this point, but it was ok. The fact that I was STILL eating and drinking was both awesome and amazing as I typically cannot eat/drink past a certain point which is ultimately my undoing at many a race. I was even enjoying myself and the fact I was running at night, and feeling good aside from the usual pains at this point was big. The fact I wasn't a basket case about running at night was HUGE. As an added bonus, we had the company of Steve for a few minutes as he patrolled the course. I got to see him a few times during the race as he was out and about, and it always made me smile. Gotta love the big guy :) It was a huge deal mentally to get through this lap as this is where it ended for me last year, and to go through feeling good was a huge boost. When I made it past that point I knew I would finish.

61-75
Mushie joined me for this lap and we spent the first bit chatting away to the point that we hit the Bigl aid station before I knew it! I was shocked we were there already, which she used later as a way to encourage me, reminding me how short it felt. I used that myself in the rest of the laps. This was a tough lap. I was walk/shuffling at this point, and Mushie kept me at a fairly steady pace...I think it was one of my faster laps, lol. We got it done, she knows me SO well that she knows what I am thinking and exactly what to say. I was starting to break down mentally, getting emotional, as I was really feeling the effects of being up and on my feet for so long, and it was starting to show. Hitting the Tevya aid station was brutal as the pavement was excruciating at this point. Unbeknownst to me as I was not thinking clearly, my feet had started to swell and my shoes were too tight. Every step at this point was unbelievably painful, but on pavement it was to the point I thought I might puke from the pain. I did not remedy this until about mile 97...doh. She said all the right things though. And she kept me going. She knew why I was doing this and that NOT finishing, no matter how long it took, was not an option.

76-90
Ugh. THIS lap. This was the unknown lap. The longest I had ever run before was 75 miles. Mike and Crystal got me a coffee before this lap which was HEAVEN but did not wake me up much, lol. Crystal joined me to pace at this point and Mushie was going to meet up with us at the other end. I told Crystal where I was at, that I just needed to be reminded to keep switching up as walking actually hurt more than running. I was not feeling all that talkative as I really was so tired my brain could not formulate complete thoughts. She did great, walking fast in front of me to keep me going and running with me when I could shuffle. At this point the 15 milers were out and I wish I could have been more happy to see them as they were SO psyched to be out there...I was so focused on simply keeping myself upright, I fear I was not to pleasant...but I did appreciate all the words of encouragement even though I didn't look like I did. ;) We got to the other end and there was Mushie and Steve, happy and raring to go. The trip back to the start was rough. I spent probably half of it crying, I was NOT talking much, and I did not know how I was going to keep going, knowing I STILL had another 10 miles after this. When I passed the 100 mile turn around rock I lost it...knowing that was where I was headed the next lap and knowing I would do this despite how I felt was a very emotional moment. The last climb up towards the end was my undoing...I think I lost it(again) there. Mushie reminded me that I was NOT going to quit, I was going to get this done no matter what. She and Crystal had decided, unbeknownst to me that they were going to try to get me in under the 12:00 cut-off. Mushie informed me we would be running from the last road crossing until the finish and though it is probably only a half a mile it felt like 2 and I am pretty sure it brought a new round of tears. They got me through and I missed it by 4 minutes. It was ok because even thought I was not sure how the hell I was going to get this done, I had already told Steve if I missed the cut-off I was going out unofficially to finish.

90-100
I did NOT want to go out. There was NO part of me that wanted to be on my feet any longer. Dave was to take this lap but due to the fact we got in earlier than I thought and a soccer game that ran long, he was not there. We made arrangements for him to meet me out there and poor Mushie came out with me again...her foot was a mess and I know she too, was in tremendous pain...but she also knew I needed her emotionally, and this is what sisters do. I was a mess from the start. We walked and shuffled for maybe 2 miles and Dave caught up with us so Mushie could go back. We said our goodbyes and she headed back to the start, and Dave took me on. I LOST it almost immediately. The pain was overwhelming as was the fatigue, there was no part of me that wanted to do this. He did not get emotional, he just kept me going. I kept telling him I wanted to sit and he would not let me. We got to Bigl and Steve was there...he let us know there would be no aid station when we got back. We headed on for the 2 longest effing miles of my life...and of course the turn-around rock was further away than I thought- in my mind it was right after the pumpkin bridge when in fact it was not...and I had to keep going...when I got to that rock I lost it again...partly because I knew I would finish, and partly because i still had 5 freaking miles to go. On the way back I BEGGED Dave to let me sit for 1 minute. That was all. I was one hot mess at that point and he gave in. I was allowed to sit for 1 minute at each bench we passed. (and a tree stump once...) FINALLY I thought to loosen my sneakers and PRAISE ALL THAT IS HOLY what sweet relief I felt. It didn't take care of ALL the pain but the relief was enough to get me through. The last climb was brutal but I knew it meant we were almost there. When I got to the tunnel I was ecstatic. We were almost done. I was going to finish. I shuffled the last bit as my kids rand down to meet me. Of course that made me cry AGAIN. As we crossed the dam for the last time, there was a double rainbow in the sky. It is choking me up right now still. I finished. The rainbow was SO symbolic. It was probably the most beautiful one I had ever seen and I felt like it was there for me to see...I did it. I overcame it all, I never quit, it was never an option. I am not the same person I was a year ago, and that Chapter of my life is now officially closed. 100 miles...done.

It was so awesome to come in and see my family, Mike, Steve, Stas(congrats on YOUR first 100), and the other woman whose name escapes me(Sorry!)...I SO appreciate you all waiting until I finished. Steve, Mike, Crystal and Mushie...your gift for me was unbelievable and I will treasure it always. I was honored that Kind-Woman-Whose-Name-Escapes-Me gave me a finishers spike for my perseverance to go out and finish despite it not being Officially Official.

I am blown away at just how amazing the Ultra community is. I have met friends through this group who have become family. The support and kindness is something i have never seen in any other sport. I am so honored to be part of such a good group of people. The volunteers were amazing, most of them there for a VERY long time, always ready to help and get you anything you needed...the RD...what can I say. Love this guy, and can't say enough about him and this race. If you EVER thought about trying an Ultra...THIS is the race to try. There isn't another one out there that would be better for your first than this one.

By the time I got home my body was letting me know how it felt about this little adventure. Walking up the stairs was horrific and I was shaking from chills so badly I couldn't get warm enough. Shower(ouch) and straight to bed, after slathering Arnica cream on my lower extremities. Had the usual post-ultra fitfull sleep complete with night sweats, yeah...but this morning I have to say other than being completely spent and tired, I am in better shape than I thought I would be. Legs are sore, but swelling is not too bad and I can shuffle around the house pretty well. Only *injury* is one I expected, overuse in the front of my right ankle. Wrapped it up before i went to bed so its not bad this morning. Oh...and the chafing....we aren't going to discuss that...

My crew...I could NOT have done this without you all. You got me through this, talked me through some pretty bad lows and I am SO grateful for you all. Dave, NONE of this could have happened without your support of my crazy hobby.Thank you for loving me and being there to share this with me.

To all my friends out there who ran and those of you I don't know...a BIG congratulations to you. Even if you didn't hit the mileage you may have wanted, miles are miles and its something to be proud of. Besides....there's always next year... ;)

Hellooooooooo out there!

I know I haven't been around in forEVER, but things have been a little busy 'round these parts! I have been working my behind off trying to establish my Personal Training *career* and organize my schedule so that clients/classes and my at-home stuff is well balanced. I have several private clients who are just amazing and are really committed to doing what it takes. I have one class that is going to turn into a private group come November and let me tell you, these gals are kicking ass and taking names. They are starting to see the beginnings of their efforts, but definitely feel the effort! I also have 2 new classes on the table and hope to get another more local class going as well. I did not ever think I would enjoy group training over private training...I love them both but the energy of a class and then everyone feeding off each other's energy is simply awesome. :)

So I would say things are going pretty well! I just added a credit app to my phone so people can pay me via credit card which is a HUGE bonus. My *manager* Jen has been helping me keep things on track and guiding me in the ways of business and I feel like things are really starting to fall into place. I will have my winter schedule hammered out over the next few weeks. Pretty darn exciting to feel like I am FINALLY on my Path and doing what I am *meant* to do. I have wanted to be working with REAL women, empowering them on their paths towards wellness, fitness, and being comfortable in their own skin.

My own training has been going REALLY well. I have been off antibiotics for my Lyme since first week in June and went through what *would* have been the worst time of the year for me and I made it through completely symptom free! I stopped the other immune drug I was taking mid-September and still doing fine. I am OVER the moon about this! I would be thrilled if this is an actual remission!!! I am having some labs done this week for something that may be going on, BUT we are already tackling it *in case* and it seems to be under control...just a hiccup, that's all. I have been very careful to listen to my body and take rest days when I need them as to not over tax my body. I have been running more than ever and doing my own strength training along with the training I do with clients and I have to say I am probably in the best shape of my adult life. My nutrition is going pretty well, though I am still battling the gut issues to some degree so trying to figure out what I can and cannot eat, and then eat enough and get enough nutrition....that may be an ongoing battle for me but if that is the ONLY battle? I'll take it.

All of this makes me happy as I am 2 weeks out from my redemption attempt at Ghost Train 100! Last year somewhere between 45-60 my body revolted (though it had been coming on for some time) and I had to drop at 60. There was no physical way I could have finished and I know that. It had been a tough year personally leading up to that race and that along with some health stuff, was a recipe for disaster. Just goes to show, that it doesn't matter how well you *think* you are prepared for an ultra....race day anything can happen.

The last 2 years have been extremely difficult personally, and I feel as if I am FINALLY coming down from the mountain. Physically I am SO much better than last year, and emotionally I am almost a different person. So...this race is pretty symbolic as last year it was the beginning of the end, so to speak, and this year I have come full circle. I am fairly certain I will be able to finish, barring any unforeseen circumstances, and I have my husband and bff/sister Michelle to pace me along with my amazing crew, aka my eldest boy child. I have been training smart, and all my ducks are in a row so....now I simply have to continue to stay healthy, and keep going in the right direction.

And the countdown begins...

Looks can be deceiving.....

There has been a rash of critics circulating round the interwebs who apparently feel they have the right to critique people's bodies. And what they wear. And what they eat. Hmmm, interesting. Well, you know what they say about opinions...they are like a**holes, everybody has one. Doesn't mean they need to SHARE.

I find my knickers getting into a wad over all this opinion sharing. Because, in reality it is NOT constructive, usually hurtful, and comes from an insecure place. I mean really...why on EARTH would ANYONE care what another person eats, wears, does....unless it brings up something in THEM. Which is basically what it is. By doing what *you* do, you, GASP, may make another person uncomfortable. How dare you!!! I, of course say get over your damn self. Don't like it don't look. What part of none-of-your-business is unclear? The reality is, people gonna be people.

The latest hot button it the LOVELY woman who wore a 2 piece bathing suit. She was a larger build. She bought a suit that was made by a company that catered to larger women. Want to know something? Her suit looked GREAT. It fit her perfectly, was not letting the world see things we shouldn't, she was able to enjoy a day at the beach swimming and playing with her family/friends in the suit of her choice. But, somehow this is wrong? Because she is *overweight and shouldn't be out -like that-...* Um, wtf is THAT all about? *Like* WHAT exactly? Apparently, the thought was because she was overweight she must be a sloth who should not see the light of day, and CERTAINLY should not go to the beach and, um, be active. Well...how about that.

So, I have been doing some people watching. I have seen MANY a bathing suit as of late, as I am at the beach with my kids every day. There are the usual teene-boppers  in their cute bikini's, there are the mom's in appropriate *mom suits* and kids in all sorts of suits. Then there are the teens who may be a bit more sturdy, wearing the cute bikini's but appearing very insecure about it and trying to hide their body while still *fitting* in with their friends. There are some larger women who are ROCKING 2 piece suits. There are other women still that clearly not a f*ck is given and they wear whatever and are loving every minute of sun bathing and swimming they get. I also see many moms who aren't wearing a suit at all. Or its under their clothes. On a 90* day they are sitting in clothes, NOT enjoying the water or sun because they don't want to be *seen*. I wear a bathing suit that I feel comfortable in. Several actually. I am willing to bet people are FAR more *disturbed* by my tattoos than the suit I am wearing, lol, but I wear what I like and not another thought is given about that topic. But for many....that is not the case.

That sucks. We as a society have made women feel bad about their bodies to the point they won't even go enjoy the beach with their kids. Because they are afraid they will be judged. Not cool. I have said that beauty, health, *fit* can come in ALL shapes and sizes. I actually DO believe this. I refuse to judge someone based on how they look. I have NO idea how they got to that point- are they sick? creating an emotional shield? went through a bad time and ate for comfort and now they feel stuck? Grew up that way and know nothing else? SO many things that someone looking in has NO idea of.

For a VERY long time I was, well, obsessed with my weight/body. YEARS. I have been overweight by medical standards, and very under weight. I cannot even tell you how much time I have wasted worrying about how I looked. Getting ready to go ANYWHERE was incredibly stressful. It has taken a long time and a LOT of work on my *insides* to get to where I am now. At 5'6" I hover around 135-140. I clock in at the high end of acceptable weight for my height. 10 more pounds and I would be considered overweight by *The Charts* But here's the thing....I work out. A lot. I trained for a year to get in the shape I am and loved every minute of it. I train WITH clients now, and I run my miles for my own training. I have put on a good deal of muscle in the last year, and gone down in clothing sizes. Yet, if I go to the Dr. and they plot me on a Chart I *could* be told I am approaching overweight. (Good thing my dr's don't do that or their might be bloodshed...) Years ago that would have made me lose my mind. I would starve myself and wear the lightest clothes possible if I went in and knew I would be weighed. Really??? SO foolish. Now, I could care less. Want to know why? Because THIS body can work out with clients numerous times a day. THIS body can run up and down mountains. THIS body is not *sick* (been off antibiotics for 6 weeks now...longest time in YEARS) THIS body FEELS good. And all of that has NOTHING to do with a number on a scale. My weight can fluctuate up to 10lbs in a WEEK. You wouldn't see it, but if I lost it every time that happened I would be a crazy person.

When I talk to people/clients and I ask them about their goals, I will often say I don't want a number. I do not ask for a weight unless we are figuring out calorie requirements. After that, I never ask again. I may check in to see if they are losing, but I don't care about the number. What I care about is how they FEEL. Do you feel good? Have energy? Sleeping ok? Getting enough nutrition in to fuel your life?(so many people do not eat enough! 1200 calorie diets are for people in comas, not people up and living life.) I will tell people if you want to track progress measure yourself. See how your clothes fit. Look for muscle development and how much better you are feeling by being more active. Because I have NO idea what your perfect-for-YOU body size will be. Maybe its a size 6...maybe its a 12? 20? Basically it is the size that is best for you. The size you can maintain with ease, with a workout routine you enjoy, eating enough good food to keep you energized, THAT is the *sweet spot* So, whatever size/weight/shape you are when you hit that point...well, there you go.

I may get a rash of sh*t from medical people, other trainers, etc because I refuse to *conform* and use the charts and weight loss and, and blahblahblah in my work with people and ya know what? Don't care. Seriously I don't. I think it puts undue pressure on people to fit into a box they may NEVER fit into and then the feel they have failed. Know what happens after that? They give up. They quit. My goal with people is that they NEVER give up because the only *box* they need to fit into is their own. I want people to accomplish little goals on their way to bigger goals. To feel positive about every step they take. To build confidence in themselves because they CAN do things and they ARE stronger and took charge of their life and did something great for THEM. Not society/a boyfriend/husband/insert someone who has no right to comment on your body here...one of the greatest gifts I got in my own training/healing process was the realization of just how strong I am. The amazing things my body can do. That filtered over into other areas of my life. Suddenly those mountains(metaphorically speaking) I was climbing didn't seem so bad/high/rocky because I gained confidence in myself. THAT is probably THE most important thing I hope to help people find when they work with me.  I want them to find THEM. All the rest is icing on the cake. And yes...eat cake. :)

We all have our mountains to climb. So get out there and climb them.

Wow. How to adequately describe one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I am not sure I can do it justice, to be honest, but I am going to try as I want this somewhere I can look back on.

Last year after my friend M did Peak(380 KILLER miles, mind you) I made a commitment to her- I would train for a year and help her get it done in 2014. I would come up and pace/crew/enter jobs here to get her through to the end. I made a plan to get in the best shape I could, get physically strong as I knew how hard the course would be, run as much as I could, and get on the mountain as often as I could. I had a few health glitches along the way, but for the most part I did what I set out to do. I wanted to be in top form so that whatever M needed from me, I could do it. I NEVER wanted to say *I can't*...and I didn't. We ran many a long run together in training, over hills, hills and more hills and throw a mountain in for good measure...*suck runs* we called them... I was able to run 130 miles up on that mountain with her on her journey to 400 miles. And the experience was life changing.

There are several parts of this story. First off...the runners. 5 runners started off on this journey and 3 made it to the end. What I witnessed on that mountain in those runners...I saw someone push on until he simply could not push further. I saw someone who spent YEARS getting ready for THIS moment, reach his goal. I watched someone push beyond everything to get to the finish. And I witnessed my sister-from-another-mother transcend from what she was to who she is. It was an extremely emotional experience as this type of thing is SO much more than a race. It is a pilgrimage. It is a journey. You go out on that mountain, on a course that is pretty intense and designed to break you...and break you it will. You are left with your raw self. You are sleep deprived, hungry, in pain and emotionally spent. Then it is just you and the trail. The support for this event, the pacers and crew...its a job everyone should be lucky enough to do. To watch your runner go out on that loop time and time again, when they just want to sleep, when it hurts, A LOT, the strength they showed....unreal. To watch other crews, well oiled machines that had everything down to a science, awesome. To see someone with no crew, who was starting to wane, and watch other runner's crews who were total strangers, jump in and help with whatever was needed- pacing, food, just giving selflessly...it was how life SHOULD be. The support was across the board. Always checking in with other crew to see how their runner was doing, to see if they needed anything, to offer support, or to just talk while we waited for our runners to come in. The people I met during this week...new friends...there was a bond formed. Out in that place, disconnected from the regular world, it was just people. And I have come to care very much for these people. They are a special family and I will always remember this time spent with them because you are instantly close...when you spend THAT much time with people, the walls come down very quickly. My life is richer with these people in it.

We had all kinds of times. There were some absolutely hilarious times, where we simply lost our minds and our senses and were foolish and silly and ridiculous and it was GLORIOUSLY fun. We could go on for an hour about the most insane things and laugh until our sides ached and we couldn't breathe. There were some incredibly profound times where we had revelations about ourselves and our lives that stopped us in our tracks, knowing that things would never be quite the same again. There were quiet times of simply going in to look around at what was in there. There was growth. There was release. There were quiet tears for what was and what is, and for the suffering. There were breakdowns and meltdowns. There were joyous moments and HUGE accomplishments. And we left it ALL out there.

The last year plus has not been an easy one for me. There have been numerous challenges in my life with my health and personal life that have thrown me off a cliff more than once. I have had my mountains to climb, and climb I did, even if it meant as soon as I got down the other side there was another one waiting. It was, and still is, challenging. But, if its worth it, its worth working for. Though I did not do NEARLY the running that these amazing people did, there were moments out there where my brain was simply quiet. There was nothing. It was breathing, moving....and that was it. That NEVER happens. It was simply quiet in my head. Those were probably some of the more powerful moments for me. I also had some pretty intense *come to Jesus* moments...I realized just how far I have come in my life. That I am a good person, worthy of good things. I CAN set my mind to doing something and succeed...and that is ok. Actually, its BETTER than ok its wonderful and I deserve that. Some harder stuff came out too...I realized that I had been using my illness as a crutch, an excuse. It was my built in failure mechanism. I could fail and it was ok because I was *sick*...I was creating more illness than was there by allowing that to be part of who I was. Because of my own issues of never being good enough, or never allowing myself TO succeed, I simply accepted the fact I was a failure and I could live with that. So, races in particular, as well as other things in my life, I KNEW or I thought, if I failed, which I probably would, I could always use my illness as an excuse. It was a cop-out. A WAY out. That really hit me like a ton of bricks, and literally stopped me dead on the trail. I simply did not believe in myself enough to think I *could* do it(whatever *it* was) so I blamed the illness. How many times have I actually given that illness power over me? Over my life? I am certainly stronger than it is, I have proven that time and time again. When you know better, you do better and now I know...and I am taking that power back. I am more than an illness and will no longer be defined by it.

I realized just how strong I am while I was out there. When we got down to the last day, it was VERY emotional. I was about to watch one of my most dearest friends in the whole world conquer her mountain. And, I was about to conquer my own. I left M at the summit of her 2nd to last lap as she needed time to be with herself. I ran down that mountain crying. It was my breaking point. I truly needed to leave it ALL on that mountain. I got to the bottom, and knew I just wasn't done. I had so much left inside me that I did not want to bring home. I needed to let it all go. With an egg sandwich in my hand and sobbing like a fool, I did one more lap...and I left it all there. ALL of it. I knew when I finished that last stretch I was not leaving as the person who arrived there. And that was a good thing.

After changing I got settled to wait for M to finish her last miles. I watched several other runners finish up the 100 and 200 mile runs knowing that they too would be going home different people. And there she was...with the most beautiful smile on her face. She had done it. She had met her goal...and so much more. It was amazing. I am SO incredibly grateful that she allowed me to be there for this journey with her. I am honored to have been able to witness that 400 mile transformation. I will always cherish the times we had out there on those trails, times we shared with others and the times we had alone...some of the best times of my life. This was SUCH a gift and a blessing. I am so very grateful for it.

But, but...I'm not ready!

Probably the most commonly used phrase by people contemplating changing their life. And to that I say *When, pray tell, do you think you WILL be ready?* If you wait until something happens, an accident, illness, warmer weather, cooler weather, insert-excuse-here, you will probably never start. And that isn't laziness, its a lack of self value.

If you are sitting there, feeling bad, unhealthy, weak, out of shape, etc thinking you really ought to do something about it...then by golly get off your a$$ and do it! NO ONE is too busy to take care of them self. If you take an HONEST look at your day, there are very few people who can say they truly don't have time. Most people have LOTS of time...we just fill it up with mindless things, aka waste it. I am certainly guilty of this. There are PLENTY of times I *should* be doing something else, or could be doing something else and instead, I would rather sit on my heiny and go on facebook, or read, or insert-distraction-from-life-here...well if you TAKE that time and give it to yourself to take care of you...IMAGINE! :) But what it really boils down to is a lack of self value. We put ourselves at the bottom of the list(women, especially mothers) behind everyone and everything else, including the dog (cat, ducks...)and that has to change. How are you supposed to do ALL that you do AND make time for you and do it all with the best of your ability if you are not putting yourself near the top of that list? You can't drive a car with no gas. You can't run a lawnmower with no gas. You can't do MANY things with no *gas*...so why are you living your life running on no *gas*?

There will never BE a *right time* so why not start now? Make today the first day of the rest of your life. Learn to eat better for your lifestyle. Find a fitness program you enjoy. Build some strength in that amazing body of yours. You will sleep better, feel better and you will not regret it. If you don't take care of you FIRST (or at LEAST put yourself in the top 5) then how are you supposed to care for anyone else? When you give to yourself first you WILL have that energy and strength to do all of those things you want to do for others. I do not have a ton of time to go to the gym and do all sorts of stuff there AND get my running in. Plus, for me, the gym is not somewhere I want to be for *my* workouts...I want to be outside, or home as then I am usually multi-tasking, lol...but that is why the program I most favor is the exact one I do myself. Its quick, gets the job done and gets results. Its the one I would go to first for ANYONE wanting to change their life and health because its easy and quick and shows you you DO have time to work out and you will see results. Its easy to fit into your life and your routine.

This goes for diet as well...too busy to cook for yourself? Nonsense. There are plenty of healthy options you can make/eat that take no time at all. And you DESERVE to put good food into your body! Most people actually don't eat enough food to fuel their lifestyle (and I mean ALL sized people) Well, again...if there isn't enough gas in the car, you aren't going to get far, are you? If you fill your tank, your car can go all day! Same goes with *your* tank. You need to fuel for your activities. When you fill your *tank* you will feel better and have more energy. When you fill your tank with GOOD *gas* you are unstoppable. This does not mean you cannot eat the foods you love anymore, it simply means you need to eat a balance of foods, and only what your body needs(calorie-wise). I say follow the 80/20 rule. For the average person looking to feel better and get fit, make sure 80% of those calories you need come from quality foods. Doesn't HAVE to be organic, you do the best you can. If you can eat organic, great. If you can't, you can still eat a healthy diet. (make sure you wash and/or peel those fruits and veggies though) 20% of your calories can be foods that may be less than stellar...but darn it you like them. Chocolate, some wine, ice cream...they aren't *bad* foods, but you don't want to run your engine on them. I find that for most people, if you tell them they can't have something or not to eat something and label it BAD, they will want it more. Then they eat that bad food, and ugh, I messed everything up so I may as well have the whole xyz...next day thinking you failed and why bother...wash, rinse, repeat. Well, you won't get far that way...instead, if you want that slice of cake and you know you ate really well that day...have it. Need something sweet every day? Plan something into your day then. Like the vino? Plan for that glass or 2...getting fit does NOT have to be punishment OR complicated and hard, because you know what? If it is either of those things, you aren't going to do it, do it for long, or stick with it. If it is something comfortable, guilt free, easy...why WOULDN'T you do it?

This is what I really want to teach people. You simply start where you are and go from there. Make simple changes, tweaks and adjustments in your life and perspective and the results will come. You will be so happy you did it. You will then stick with it. And you ARE worth it. You are valuable. You deserve it. :)

Running on Half-Full, aka Trying to be Healthy with AI DIsease

Something I have wanted to write about for a LONG time is being a runner with a chronic illness.
I am certainly NOT the only one, as in my circle of running friends I know several, and though we haven't gotten into the nitty-gritty of it all, I am willing to guess we all face similar battles in order to do the things we love to do. Every time I line up at a race, I am already at a deficit. My training may not be as consistent as other runners, my nutrition not as good, I struggle with hydration and eating enough because of my GI issues, I have trouble regulating my body temperature so if its too hot/cold or *I* get too hot/cold it could be an issue. I have to carry an epi pen and Benadryl because though I know what foods I can't eat, I also randomly react to things that normally I wouldn't and need to be able to treat that...or I have to carry all my own food/drink. For longer races I have to worry about bringing medications and making sure I remember to take xyz at the right times. Sometimes I am not recovered enough from a flare to run a race and I have to drop, or sometimes the pain I live with daily becomes too much during a race and I have to stop. Sometimes a flare is coming and I think I can squeak by...and then it hits me full on during a race and, well, that is the end of that. Other times, everything lines up absolutely perfectly and I go out and run and have a GRAND time and love every minute of it because I know every good/successful race is a blessing.

It doesn't really matter what illness one has, Autoimmune Illness follows a pretty similar path: pain, fatigue, feeling unwell, various neurological/GI/insert-annoying-symptom-here. Add any disease specific issues you face and there you go. Not fun. And it is a HUGE battle to fight. I think the hardest part is that most people with any sort of AI (Autoimmune Illness) *looks* fine...yet they feel like they are dying on the inside. This adds a extra layer or 10 to the journey of fitness and health. In an ideal world, you would talk to a Personal Trainer (hey, like the one writing this!) and discuss your goals, what you would like to accomplish, talk about your diet and the changes that can be made, set up a schedule and off you go. If you follow it, 6 weeks down the road you will see some changes, and by month 3 even more, and so on. If you are dealing with AI it may look something like this: Week 1 and 2 are great, week 3 you are slammed with fatigue so severe brushing your teeth is a chore AND now you can't eat eggs because for some reason your body is reacting to them and making those healthy meals is too much effort so you you decide that potato chips and a glass of chocolate milk would be a great meal...for the next 3 days...week 4 you are better, so you can do half of your intended workouts and eating a *little* bit better but now your stomach is acting up preventing you from getting enough calories...and you have insomnia so your energy and recovery are not the best...Week 5 finds you feeling better so back at it you go! Week 6 and 7 are good, then weeks 8-10 find you in another AI flare which continues on for a month...At that point you might say, *why should I even bother? This isn't going to work/worth it/I can't keep up. I'm here to tell you that you SHOULD bother because you are worth it.

If you find yourself in this situation, being a person with an AI who decides that getting healthy/fit/strong is something you want to accomplish, you need to find someone who GETS what you are dealing with. It is not impossible for you to make health and fitness goals and even accomplish them, you may simply need more time, support, and a plan you can follow that is tailored for YOU and your specific and unique needs. As someone with 2 different AI's I ABSOLUTELY understand all of this. There have been times I have been sailing right along, feeling good, running all the time, working out, eating pretty well, sleeping...all my ducks lined up quite nicely. Then, usually at a MOST inconvenient time, the symptoms creep in...a little extra fatigue. Recovery is not what I expect. Weights that I had been lifting fine, feel a bit heavier. Needing to take more *rest days*...cue up my other symptoms and BAM, back in a flare. I am fortunate that it doesn't happen as often, but it HAS happened and it can be a week, two weeks  or even months. There have been times I have had to give up exercise all together because I simply could. not. do. anything. It is hard, depressing, and makes you really think *why bother?*

The thing is, ANY sort of aerobic exercise and strength training, and it can be as simple as walking and a few body-weight exercises, is going to improve your health. In the many, MANY years of research I have done on AI's and their various *cures* just about every single one suggests daily exercise as tolerated. It has a myriad of benefits and I truly believe in my own case, the fact that I have been a runner most of my life and have run through most of my illness, I have not been sicker. And as bad as it has been at times, it COULD have been a whole lot worse. I have always tried to do SOMETHING whenever I felt well enough to do so. The increased oxygenation of your system, getting your heart pumping, fresh air(if you go outside) increased metabolism from exercise and strength training, and the MENTAL aspect...that alone has saved me as running IS my therapy.

That being said, it can be very frustrating to embark on an exercise and fitness program, start seeing results and thinking *Hey, look at me go!* only to fall back into a flare/relapse for xyz amount of time and think you have *lost all your gains*. The most important thing about that is, you simply cannot go there. You can't think *well why should I bother if I am just going to be sick again?* That is like someone who  is looking to lose weight saying *well, why bother doing all this, I will just gain all the weight back.* Um, well if you set your mind that way...yes. You are right. But, if you allow yourself the space to simply roll with things, and know that yes, right NOW you can't follow your program, but in a week/month when you are stronger you can get right back on that horse. Because as you move forward toward your fitness goals, you may find your relapses/flares to be less often/severe/long. You have to be able to accept and recognize that YOUR fitness and exercise goals and progress are not going to look the same as your *healthy* neighbor. You have to be able to allow for the bumps in the road, knowing that you may veer off course for a bit but that you can get back on that Path again just as easily. And there is no hard and fast rule as to how long it should take you to meet your goals. They are YOUR goals.

I can absolutely and with total honesty say that my running has saved me on more ways than one. Yes, there have been times that I had to take days/weeks/months off and I did worry about losing fitness/muscle/endurance etc. And you know what? Sometimes I did. Sometimes it felt like I was almost starting all over again. There have been times I DID have to start all over. But the very interesting thing is, the longer you commit to and follow an exercise routine, the more your body remembers it. That's right, your body is pretty smart. In the beginning, you may find it truly feels like starting over. That is why I say find something you LOVE to do because even if you DO have to start over, who cares, its still fun. :) But as your body becomes more and more accustomed to your routine, it will take less and less time to get back to the fitness level you had before getting sick/relapse/flare again. I have seen it first hand in myself. I was out for 6 weeks in the fall with some health issues. Lost a good deal of muscle, hadn't run...when I was finally able to run again, I went from 20m/wk to probably 50+ m/wk inside a month and had reclaimed the muscle I had lost in probably a month to 6 weeks. It requires some patience on your part, but it is possible...you simply have to accept that your particular Path may have a few extra bumps and side roads than most.

That is the hardest part of having a chronic AI or any chronic illness. Acceptance. Realizing that this is your lot in life and somehow you simply have to make the best of it, play the cards you were dealt. I think it is EXTREMELY important to work with someone who *gets* this. Another reason I became a PT was because I DO get it, and I understand that a program with someone with a chronic illness can and probably will need to be changed up pretty regularly to accommodate where the person is at. It is also why I became certified in Sports Nutrition as well. :)

Another piece of the puzzle is obviously diet. Anyone who has listened to me blather on knows what I think of all the diets out there. I am VERY passionate about finding an eating plan that works for individual people in their individual lives according to their individual needs. Add an AI/chronic illness to the mix and usually all bets are off. Food sensitivities/allergies, special diets, diets that have to change according to where the person is in their cycle...all things I have done a ridiculous amount of research on and have used in my own life and am VERY familiar with. I believe that no matter WHAT your restrictions are, there is a way to make up an eating plan that is easy, enjoyable, and fits into your life.

Basically, my goal is to offer the support I wish I had when I was struggling. I wish I could have gone to someone who could have said *Here's what we'll do, here's what you can eat and this is how we will get through this...* Well, if you can't find it, create it :) and that is what I am hoping to do. I don't want anyone to ever feel the way I did, I don't ever want someone to feel like they can't do what others are doing because they got a few extra cards to deal with. I realized early on that I did not want to *become* my illness, it was not going to define me. I was a person WITH an illness, but I am SO much more than that. I want to help others to find that place as well. Illness is simply a chapter(ok, maybe 2) in your book. But there are PLENTY of other chapters as well. You can make those chapters anything you like, so make them great. :)

Its a revolution! Of sorts.

Many many years ago, I would have not pictured myself wanting to become a personal trainer. I had the stereo-typical notion that they were all *muscle heads* that worked in gyms and if you went to one you would become a muscle head too. :) Which is a-ok, if that is what you want...but I am guessing that is NOT what everyone wants. Part of what drew me in was watching what was going on around me in my very limited community of athletes, and my circle of acquaintances. I started thinking about how obsessed people were about diets and Paleo this, and fat-free that, and grain free, and vegan, and raw, and, and, and....and yet  people were NOT getting the results they really wanted, nor were they lasting because what they wanted and what was their reality were never going to be friends. I  had to learn this lesson. Yet, I was starting to see this swing in a new direction. A direction where people were doing their own thing. Playing by their own rules, in all shapes and sizes and were, gasp, happy with the results. Now,  I will tell you a little story about me....

 Once upon a time I was anorexic. In high school. I was actually quite overweight, despite running quite often. I was the *fat girl*. I was the *good listener* and the *good friend*...you know how that goes. Well, one summer I decided to become a vegetarian. I was not a big fan of meat, and when I started reading about it I thought hey, that is pretty cool! Told my mother I wanted to do it and she said it was ok as long as I did the research and was eating a healthy diet. I was 15. By becoming vegetarian, it changed the way I ate more than simply cutting out meat. I had a better awareness of what I was putting into my body so instead of mindlessly eating whatever to dull some emotions(which is how I got to be overweight in the first place) I was AWARE of what I ate. And, I also lost weight. A good deal actually. I was running more, losing weight and people noticed. At the time, that was what flipped the switch in me, followed up by various other life issues, and I was hooked. I became obsessed with running and what I ate. I would bet I was not consuming more than 800 calories a day IF that. I wish I could find a picture of myself from that time because it actually makes me uncomfortable to look at. Thing was, I was not 80lbs anorexic, just based on my genetics and bone structure, I was more like 115lb anorexic. Which, many people would say, "5'6" and 115? That's great!" Um, no. It isn't great. The thing was, it was not a NATURAL weight for me. I was STARVING myself to get to that weight. I was running twice a day EVERY SINGLE DAY to stay at that weight. And nobody knew how bad it was. I never told anyone.

Even though there were many layers to that whole time in my life, what I used to tell myself, in my half-starved state is I was doing this because that was *what runners looked like* ... um...ok. Much of my identity for YEARS, and to a certain extent still is, was wrapped up in me being a runner. I ran. A lot. Its what I did, its who I was. Well, by golly, I was going to look the part. And the only role models I had at the time, were the tiny little elite marathon runners featured in Runner's World. Several problems with this...1)I was not an elite marathoner. 2)They were generally around 5'2" and 100lbs soaking wet NATURALLY.  3) Genetics. Yet, I had it in my head I wanted to look the part and if that meant  not eating...so be it. Problem with that is if you don't put gas in the car, it ain't gonna run...and my running career came to a screeching(albeit temporary)halt my Sophomore year in college after my SECOND stress fracture. Of course I did NOT put 2 and 2 together so not much changed. Over the years my weight went up and down, I ran more, I ran less but when I was running more, I immediately went to the place of needing to *look the part*.  Here's the thing though...I do NOT look like a stereotypical runner. I am not built that way. Its not in my genetics. I come from a sturdy line of Bulldogs, not sleek Greyhounds and no matter what I do, this bulldog will never be a greyhound. :) But, again, as much as I am a reasonably aware and grounded individual, I am not without failings and one of which is I STILL, in the recesses of my mind, think I need to *look the part*. I laugh at the absurdity because REALLY Julie? Have you learned ANYTHING??? Fortunately, I have. But, I am human and certainly not a perfect one at that.

So, here's what I DO know. I know that fitness and health comes in ALL sorts of packages. BMI charts and the like are garbage and NOT an accurate reflection of true wellness, fitness, strength, endurance, etc. I know that personally, I can run farther, and longer now than I EVER could at 115lbs. I know that the better I eat, the better I feel. I know that even though I don't *look* like a runner, I can run up a mountain without stopping. More than once. I can do a 50k with very little notice, bang out a hilly 20 miler and the next day do it again. I also know that strength training will cure almost anything that ails you ;) that all *they* say about the benefits of lifting weights and adding some sort of strength training regimen is true. And I want to share that with everyone. And with that, I started to look around and realized...people are actually starting to *get it*...I noticed that at road races there are every shape and sized runner you can think of. At ultras, which are races LONGER than a marathon again, ALL shapes and sizes. I started looking at other events that you would think would have a very stereotypical body type and... wait for it...ALL shapes and sizes! What do you know!

THIS is why I became a Personal Trainer. Because I wanted to find people where they are right that second and help them find their way from there. I wanted to show people that you don't HAVE to look like anyone other than who you are, and who you become. I wanted to introduce people to the fact that they actually CAN eat the foods they love, because its all about the balance. I want to help people find an activity they love and help them *train* for that activity because if you train for what you enjoy, you will enjoy the training. I want to tach people that strength training isn't *just* for your body, but it changes your mind as well, as when you start to gain strength and feel physically stronger, the mind follows. I want to teach people that the journey is JUST as important as the destination...more important, in fact. Its a marathon, not a sprint, so you might as well enjoy it along the way.

It's Official.

I have finally officially OFFICIALLY put myself out there as a personal trainer. Took me over a year to do it, too. Its been a bit of a journey from when I started on this Path, and though I am still and always evolving...I am definitely on the other side of THIS particular mountain.

When I decided to pursue training in Personal Training and Nutrition 3 years ago, I was doing it as much for myself as I was to help others. *I* needed the education as a reminder of the *right* way to do things. Also, as someone who runs ultras I need to be in the best shape my body can be in to do this...and I simply wasn't. So, studying began. I learned a LOT. Actually, the *book* learning caused me to branch out and explore things that were NOT  being taught and I was amazed by what I was learning and couldn't WAIT to put in into practice.

Along the way, unfortunately, I had some health issues slow me down and set me back a bit, but my passion never wavered. I continued to research and study. When I was feeling good, I started to practice what I was going to teach. I spent a year, actually, practicing. I could not, and would not, in good conscience advise people to do something that a) I had not tried, or was not doing myself and b) I didn't know worked. So, what I want to share with people is something that I believe in and actually follow.

I have always wanted to work with women...to empower them in their own skin. Mostly because I KNOW how it feels to not feel strong, to not feel safe, to not feel good about yourself for WHATEVER reason. I know what it feels like to think you need to be a certain size, or a certain way, to be accepted or *perfect*. Well, I am here to tell you its all BS. :) I feel strong and powerful and good RIGHT NOW in the skin I am in. Am I perfect? HELL no. AM I society's idea of beauty/fitness/etc? I doubt it. But you know what? I am strong, I am healthy, I enjoy eating, training, feeling good in the body I have and I am owning it. THAT is what I want to teach and help other women feel. I want to meet people where they are and help them to be the very best they can be WHATEVER that is. I want people to feel good in their bodies, do activities they love, realize that it really ISN'T  that hard to follow a fitness program that will help you strengthen your body AND mind :) I hope to reach people and help them so they NEVER feel *less than* in their skin again.

And this is not to say I wouldn't work with men or that they don't feel this way because sadly, many do. It is much more prevalent with women though. Basically I want to help PEOPLE find their strong body and feel good in their skin, and their life. Its an interesting phenomenon, strength training. When you start to work on strengthening your muscles, having a strong body...your *mind* is not too far behind. You stand a little taller, feel a little more confident, maybe even become a little more assertive. Mind-body connection...its an amazing thing...

Another passion of mine based on my experience is helping people with chronic illnesses find fitness. I can speak from personal experience that exercise DOES play a HUGE roll in healing. Having had Lyme for the better part of my adult life, and Hashimoto's for the last 8+ years I know how hard it can be to maintain an exercise program when you can barely get out of bed. I have spent months on the couch unable to function with basic activities, never mind exercise. The interesting thing was, that when I was healthy enough to exercise, I did. When I was too sick, I didn't. But when I was well enough to go back, it wasn't like starting over from square one, it was more like I simply fell off the wagon and had to get back on. This was VERY comforting to me! It is not easy to be super active AND manage a chronic illness. It requires diligence and knowing your body. It means being extra careful to eat well and enough. Listening to your body signals and knowing when you can push and when to back off...and being ok to work around that. But it can be done, even in small doses.

I think its all about finding something active you love and making it a priority. I love running. LOVE it. I dare say I am a little obsessed...it is my passion. I love helping people train, improve their running strategies, helping them go further, accomplish goals, or even make it around the block. I just love everything about running :) Not everyone is a runner, though. And that is SO ok! You are not going to stick with running if you don't enjoy it. Maybe your passion is hiking, or roller skating, or Zumba, or backwards power-walking...whatever brings you joy, whatever activity that when you finish, you are already thinking about the next time you can get out there and do it. Find your passion and then you train for it! Its not about what will make you lose weight the fastest, or what *everyone else is doing* its about what physical activity will bring YOU joy, while at the same time creating a fit and healthy body for you to live in.

So, now I am out there....hoping to be able to help and empower many people on their Paths, while continuing to improve on mine. Pretty exciting.... :)

Wraps, and pills, and shakes OH MY!

So. I am actually here laughing in my head at the latest *Eat this, don't eat that!* garbage being spouted here on FB. I have MANY years of *dieting* under my belt. Up until about hmmm....a year ago? Maybe a year and a half...I too was on that *quest*...the quest for THE perfect diet. It started when I was a young teen. Dieting to be *thin*...which turned into disordered eating, of course, and carried me int adulthood. Then I was on a quest. I still was buying into diets as the miracle cure for ALL life's problems. And let me tell you, there are not many I haven't tried. But over the last few years I started to slowly have epiphanies. I started to get REALLY annoyed by all the pills/shakes/wraps aka *quick fix* garbage out there promising based on VERY biased studies that THIS was THE thing to make ALL people THIN!!! Glory BE!!! Um...about that...

So, through much reading and a FAR broader slice of people's experiences I realized that it really IS pretty simple...there are no BAD foods, if you are eating minimally processed foods in moderation. Sugar is not evil. Fat is not of the devil. Meat/dairy will not give you cancer. Butter will not give you a heart attack. If you are eating enough food to fuel your lifestyle, and your lifestyle includes daily activity, movement, etc...its all good. I don't care HOW fantabulous those shakes *claim* to be, eating real food is better. Wraps? Please. Water weight you will gain back as soon as you LOOK at a glass of H20. Pills? We aren't even going to go there.

I have run the gamut as far as diets and health/stomach issues go. And oddly enough, I feel the best and have the least problems when I simply eat what my body wants. Pizza? Pasta? Salad? Ice cream? Yep. All of it. I do not look at calorie content, fat content and to be honest I have NO idea how many calories I consume in a day(probably not enough)I eat what I want when I want, and stop when I feel full. I do a lot of training, so I could probably eat a lot more(working on it, lol)

Thing is, all the *health foods* out there or lo fat, lo cal, garbage? When they take out something that is supposed to be there, ie fat/sugar/etc they have to replace it with something so you still want to eat it. Changes are it is some chemical cocktail that, honestly? Your body doesn't know what to do with. Newsflash- your body NEEDS fat and carbs. It knows what to do with a reasonable amount of sugar. REAL sugar not garbage fake sugar. Eat real food. Move your body. Throw in some strengthening exercises and guess what? Your weigh will most likely normalize for what is right for YOU. (and you probably are not a size 2 so move on from that) See how much better you feel. How much better you sleep at night. How much more energy you have. It really is THAT simple. I am a complicated medical hot mess and this works even for ME. I sleep. I have energy. My weight is stable. I just had my second illness of the winter and it could have been worse, AND I am normally one who will catch EVERYTHING.

I am not saying that some of these diets are wrong. Paleo/Raw food/vegan/etc DO work for SOME people. You have to be extremely diligent and committed to doing those diets properly. I do not believe (aside from vegan, which I still do not think is right for everyone) that any of these diets/lifestyles is good for MOST people over the long haul. I do know a SMALL, very small actually, slice of people who are doing well on the above diets. Bot for the average population? No. Could you go paleo/raw/vegan for a period of time to switch things up, lose weight, overhaul your diet? Sure. Probably wouldn't hurt for a month or 3...longer than that, unless you are one of those people who just can really do well with that eating? You are going to fall off that wagon right quick. And why set yourself up for failure?

As a PT I am pretty much against prescribing ANY sort of *diet* for anyone beyond eating real food. Are you going to shed 30lbs in a month(if you even needed to to begin with)? No. However, you add some exercise and strengthening to your lifestyle, eat real foods, all things in moderation(forget about cheat days/meals...really? cheat eating? How foolish). If you are an athlete then yes, how you eat, your ratios, would be of more concern as you need to fuel your life AND your activities. But if you are simply looking to live healthy and feel good...it is a lot easier than the diet industry will have you believe. They have you thinking it needs to be a *sprint*...if you want to make lasting changes, you need to treat it like a marathon.

And, if you need any help on that journey....I am available ;)

Because Everybody's Doin' it...

My turn to weigh in on Rachel and TBL.

Some have said we should not judge and can't have an opinion, its not our business. Well, I disagree. If you are going to go on national television and show your weight loss journey then guess what? All bets are off.

And before I get people's knickers in a bunch....I WAS overweight when I was younger. I DO know how that feels, to be the *fat girl* and I DID lose my weight in a very unhealthy way and paid the price. I still struggle with body image and weight and have even been told as of late that I am *too thin* (which at 5'6" and 140lbs I don't think so but that is a number and looks are something else) So I do *get it*. I am also an *athlete* and I get the pressure to look the part. However, I also get the health risks vs benefit, and I also know there is NO *perfect* size. And HEALTH is actually a really awesome size.

Now, I don't watch BL. I did not watch this season. I did, however, watch the final reveal clip, and then did a little reading. I was HORRIFIED when I saw Rachel come out. I had to look up her age because that did NOT look like an early 20-something year old woman. In her before pic, yes she is overweight. But she is BEAUTIFUL! Though she may not have felt it, her face was joyful, youthful. She is pretty. I read all the *oh she was an athlete before and she wants to be again so she needs to be that thin with no body fat.* Um, she was a SWIMMER. Have you SEEN Olympic swimmers? Do they look like her? Hell no.

The look on the trainers faces was very telling. She lost 45lbs in the last 90 days. That is at least 3lbs a week for the LAST 3 months. She went from a healthy size 6 to a ZERO...which is NOT a size btw. (Though I do get that a SMALL number of women are actually naturally that small, however I do not think it should be a GOAL to be a non-size.) She is NOT *muscular* she is sinewy. What is seen, to me, is not a strong muscular body, its skin covering bones and what is left of her muscles. She is painfully thin. When I see someone that thin I look at their face. If they are HEALTHY and thin, their face will show it. Their face will have enough fat on it to cover bones and look, well, healthy. Someone who has lost too much weight has a skeletal look about their face, their skin tends to cling tot he bones and they appear much older. Which was what I thought when I saw Rachel. I thought she was mid 30's at LEAST.

I have no idea why no one questioned her, her family etc...apparently the contestants are on their own those last 90 days...What a shame. I have to think maintaining that size will be VERY difficult. You saw her family in the audience...they are not small people. Whenever I talk to people about weight loss/gain I say *take a look at your family. Look at the *average sized person* who does not have a weight problem. THAT is a reasonable goal.* Because we have genetics to work with and someone can diet and exercise their way down to a size 0 and guess what? You won't be there for long...and your life will not be all too pleasant while you are there. I cannot imagine as a trainer, encouraging ANYONE to get down to that size unless they were naturally that size to begin with. And something tells me she wasn't.

So, when the media is over her 5 minutes of fame, I TRULY hope that she works with a GOOD trainer who will help her gain a little weight back and get healthy and strong the right way. I hope she can learn that her worth is SO much more than what she looks like on the outside. I hope she gets the support she needs to feel good about herself, to love herself and take care of herself knowing that her true friends will love her because of WHO she is not what she looks like.

Body Shaming....stop it.

So, over the past few days I have read several posts that have upset me very much and they all involved the OP posting something about someone they saw dressed a certain way and how*gross* it was...followed by a bunch of responses agreeing. Maybe its the people I hang around with, or maybe its my own growth....maybe its the fact that I have my OWN past(and sometimes present) issues with my body...but to say it made my blood boil is an understatement. I am not usually in the habit of starting shit on other people's pages but...I was THISCLOSE to doing so.

Who the everloving f*ck gives YOU the right to comment on ANYONE'S body? (you being the collective you, of course)Unless *you* are perfect(and I dare say you are probably not, is anyone, really?)you have NO right to shame anyone. If some person decides they think it is ok to wear a bikini to the beach, and it FITS(as in, they are wearing clothing the appropriate size for their body....I do take issue with people trying to wear clothing that is FAR too small or horrifically pornographic in public...you can wear that sort of stuff in your own home but please...when you are out, clothes that are the correct size for your body are appropriate.) then who am I to judge? I have seen PLENTY of women(and men) who wear what they want, because they are comfortable in it, and what gives anyone the right to say they shouldn't? I have spent a fair amount of time at the beach so far this year. I have seen women of ALL shapes and sizes show up wearing everything from a  grammy suit to a bikini...not one person was wearing something inappropriate, imo. I have seen larger women sporting bikinis and I say have at it. If you are comfortable in your own skin, then celebrate it! I have to wonder if the people protesting are either jealous, or angry that THEY do not have the confidence to wear such things. Its like anything else in life...if you don't like bikinis, DON'T WEAR ONE!

Its the same thing with workout wear. It is hot as hell 'round these parts and I see many a scantily clad biker/runner out doing their thing. MAD PROPS to those who can go shirtless(men) and just a sports bra(women). I do not have the confidence to do that, (though I wear a 2 piece suit...go figure...my own issues, clearly)But I would NEVER think of shaming someone who is out there gettin' it done if they are dressed in appropriately fitting clothes, simply less of them....seriously people...do we not have better things to do? Bigger issues to focus on than what someone looks like in a bathing suit?

One of the MANY reasons I wanted to become a PT was to help women(and men if I go in that direction) accept their bodies and strengthen and LOVE the body they are in. We are NOT all meant to be a size 2. Hell, we aren't all meant to be a size 10! If you are living a healthy life, getting some sort of exercise daily, can wake up in the morning with energy and get through your day feeling good then you are pretty damn lucky and doing ok. If you are doing that in a size 4 body or a size 14 body...what difference does it make? One of the things I love most about ultra running and one of the most HEALING things I have experienced as a result is seeing bodies of ALL sizes out there doing these amazing endurance events. As a runner, I was always *big*...I am FAR from one of those typical marathon runner bodies and always felt some shame about that...like, how could I say I am a runner at MY size? Who would believe me? And since being a runner is such a huge part of who I am....yeah. Now, having done a fair share of Ultras over the years and being beaten regularly by women who are larger than me...I KNOW it has nothing to do with size. That proves to me that you do not need to be 5'6" and 120lbs(which would be impossible for *me*)in order to be a runner. I know some kick-ass women who are in SUPERB shape, with AWESOME muscle that I envy who probably weigh more than me and kick my butt at every race we are in together. And I bet they look damn fine in whatever kind of bathing suit they choose to wear. :)

Now, I will admit that years ago I was just as judgemental. And the reason I was was simple jealousy. I could see a woman TOTALLY comfortable at the beach in a bathing suit and I would *judge* because *I* was NOT comfortable. I felt insecure or whatever. Well, I have learned a thing or 2 over the years and when you know better you do better. :) Now, I look at people with a whole new vision...I am watching to see how confident they look...and when I see the confidence, I smile. Good for them. For all know that same person may have been 100 pounds heavier and is celebrating a weight loss. Maybe she/he was sick for a long time and finally feels well and wants to get out and enjoy life/the beach/etc. Point is, you DON'T know so who are you to judge?

We come in ALL shapes and sizes and that is ok. I truly believe that HEALTH is far more important than the number on the scale. If you are eating well, sleeping well, getting out there and doing something physical every day and feel good....well then that *number* doesn't mean as much.

So the next time you see someone in an outfit YOU don't approve of...stop and consider why...usually when we go to judge others its because of something we need to look at in ourselves. Life has a funny way of providing the exact lessons we need to learn. So stop the body shaming, stop the judgement, and take a look at YOURSELF. Eyes on your OWN mirror, people.

Oh, and this goes for age too....I am not sure when the rule book came out of how one should be at a certain age but...far as I can tell the older you get, the more life you live, the more right you earn to do whatever the heck you want. :)

On that note...I am going to go run around in the heat...then I am going to go put my bikini on and go to the beach. :)

More Musings...

One week out from the longest race I have EVER run and I feel pretty good. My left ankle is swollen like woah, and I have the most horrific case of poison ivy but aside from that...I feel good. And THAT is good. :) I am BEING good and taking my time getting back up to my prior mileage...given what I was dealing with before the race, I figure I need to be careful and so I am. I am giving myself at least 2 weeks of easy, low mileage(for me, so betw 5-8m) runs. I saw my Immunologist this week as well and he was quite impressed :)   He does believe, though, that I did indeed have a classic herx and wants me to go right back on the abx and just muddle through. Last year when I started the abx, I had the same reaction, and then went on to have 6-8mo of the best health I have had in 5 years. I cannot deny that...so I will suck it up now, when I have nothing coming up, knowing I will be long over this before the next race on tap. I will continue doing everything else I have been doing as it seems to be working,

Its so interesting, and actually quite humorous the way Ultras play out....I was struggling very early on, and had pretty much decided that 50k was my new distance of choice. Maybe an occasional 50 miler. This 100 mile stuff is for the birds. I had other goals, I wanted to run through the suck(done) I wanted to incorporate walk/run, I wanted my gut to behave...I met those goals with flying colors. I got through 75 miles, I ran for 24 hours...and I learned a LOT. Mostly I learned I am FAR stronger than I ever realized and I CAN do whatever I set my mind to.

That being said...
Without my dearest, most badass friend ever, I never would have made it through those first 50 miles. There is something to be said for someone knowing you inside and out, good and bad, logical and crazy parts...when you know someone THAT well, they can probably get you through anything...and she did. She knew what to say to talk me off the ledge(several times) could relate on many levels, and could absolutely sympathize with my medical shit...And there are very few people I can spend 24 solid hours with...mostly because THEY get sick of ME! lol ;) But, we spent that whole time and would have spent more if the cards stacked up right...but they don't always, and that day was just not meant to go past 24 hours for us as a team. I am SO incredibly full of gratitude for having her with me, and having her in my life...she helped me through some dark places last friday night and without realizing it, she is WHY I had the strength to meet my goal of running through the suck. :)

Then there was my pacer.
A guy who I know from our running club, never have run with him, ever...only in passing at other races. He volunteered to pace me with his wife(who I never had the pleasure of running with...maybe July? ;)) I jumped at the chance to secure a pacer as I knew I would need one and wanted to be sure I had all my bases covered *in case*...and I am glad I did. Michelle got me through that first 50 miles. When I was finishing that lap and knew I would not finish within the cut-off bc I could not go fatser in the mud and did not want to face another night out there...I still HAD to do one more lap. I HAD to. For me- because so much of who I am is tied up in running and being a *runner*...I have been a runner over half my life...I don't know how NOT to be one, it is literally part of my identity AND I was NOT going to let this damn disease beat me one more effing time... for my kids- I needed to show them I did not give up because things got hard,  for the people who believed in me and were rooting for me to finish, Enter Michael. He literally bounced into my space, ready to go. His enthusiasm was AMAZING and exactly what I needed. He allowed me to *be* wherever I was, encouraged me to run, and was a constant cheerleader when all I wanted to do was be DONE. He GOT me to 75 miles. I really do not know if I would have made it that far. Emotionally, this was one of THE hardest races I have ever run. There was just so...much. So much emotion that I have not even fully processed and he certainly did NOT know what he was getting himself into, lol. But let me tell you....I would not have wanted to be alone that last lap and am SO happy and grateful he was there with me. (I am also very grateful he pulled me out of the shoe-sucking mud puddle I got stuck in...otherwise I would still be there....)

So...I do not see this as a DNF in the traditional sense. This race was a HUGE win for *me* personally, now that I am looking back. I am very uch looking forward to continuing on my path of healing and weight training, running and training...and my next 100 miler in October where I will have the absolute gut-busting JOY of running along side(not literally as they are both faster than me) 2 people that are just...awesome. :) I really cannot wait for that opportunity...as well as the journey along the way. :)

Post Race Musings....

So...no one but my sister-from-another-mother REALLY knows what went on during the TARC 100 for me...but to say I was all over the place would probably be an understatement, lol. However, despite that roller coaster of emo I actually am in a very interesting place post-race:

-Despite being on my feet for 75 miles/24 hours I am not that sore. HOKAS!!!! These shoes save my life.
-All the work I did the last 6mo DID pay off...I was far stronger physically so despite having had 2 weeks of sick, I could still pull this off.
-Mentally I am far stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I could have quit at 25 miles. There would have been no shame in that with conditions what they were. I embraced the suck and kept on going, which I really needed to do *for me*...
-My stomach CAN endure an Ultra. YAY!!!
-I can finish 100 miles. No, I didn't...but based on what I experienced under what were probably the worst conditions for *me*, I made it to 75 miles. Take away the 2 weeks prior and the mud/water...I would have done it.

Though I SWORE never again...within 24 hours I knew that was not true. Having had time to reflect I know I will take another stab at it in October, as the course I will be running is again ideal for a 100, the temps will be cool, very little elevation...and 4 months to prepare. I know I can make it to 75 under duress, so I have it in me. I do not see this race as a failure even though I did not finish. I accomplished SO much and earned a lot about exactly what my body can handle and recover from. It was an amazing experience, and one I will remember for years to come. There is even a rumor for the sister duo to go back for a re-do... time will tell...  :)

TARC 100...aka my First 75 miler :)

We can all sit around and discuss the logic behind me going to this race in the first place...seeing as how Monday I ws not even able to get off the couch, and this week was not a great week health wise but....ultr-runners are not always a logical bunch. :) Once I actually GOT to the race, and the excitement kicked in...I did not regret my choice. Plus, I knew I would be spending the next 30 hours with my cohort Michelle so...It was all good. I had packed everything I needed, knew the kids would be off having fun, had great pacers set up, pus, TARC races are simply THE best around in terms of aid and support so I had NO worries.

AND, even better, my friend Steve showed up at the beginning! I love this guy :) he and I hve run many a mile together nd to see him pre-race...awesome. Getting to see everyone before the race, so many familiar faces, knowing what we were about to set out to do...yeah, its pretty great this thing we got goin' on... :)

But...to say it ws a perfect race...yeah.

Conditions were rough. Brutal at times. This course should have been IDEAL for a first  100 miler. There is not  ton of elevation, the trails are nice, aid well placed...but Mother Nature had other plans...the actual wether for the run could NOT have been better. But the trail conditions themselves...yeah. There was mud. Shoe-sucking, thick, quicksand mud. Long stretches of it some with water, some just mud. There were water crossings that, though they felt great, were calf deep up to mid thigh(and higher on the shorter folks)Basiclly this ment you ran with wet feet almost the entire time. That was tough for me.

But really...by mile 10 I ws struggling. MILE 10! We could not move fast because of the mud. I felt defeated before we even started and really questioned wtf I was doing. Breakdown #1(there were numerous others, trust me...). Michelle, in ALL her awesomeness suggested we power hike. Like, all night. And that is exactly wht we did. We hiked, with a few fits and spurts of running for 40 MILES. We were cranking out 4 miles an hour at some points which was pretty good and honestly I don't know that I would have run/walked much faster. It was a rough night for both of us, but I will say I would not trade it for anything. I spent 15 hours with one of my dearest friends and we got through it together. It was REALLY tough...mentally and physically. Though I really knew I was in the best shape I have been in in a long time, this last 2 weeks of health crap took a LOT out of me.

At some point during that 2nd loop I realized there was no way I was going to be able to finish the 100 miler. With conditions what they were, and me not being fast, I could not make up time. And honestly, the thought of running into my SECOND night with no sleep and all the water and mud to navigate...knowing I would be tired and that's when the BIG mistakes happen...I just decided I would gut out one more loop and be done.

We finished our second loop and my amazing friend needed to be done. She has accomplished some UNBELIEVABE things recently...over 400 MILES Of running a week ago and yet she came out here to run this race and be with me...but her body had  enough and she REALLY needed to be done. It wasn't safe for her to go on. We had an extremely emotionl goodbye as she handed me off to my pacer.

At this point I changed my shoes and socks which made a HUGE difference as my feet had swollen SO much they were tight in my old shoes. Bigger shoes and some food and I was actually able to start running again. SO, off we went.

Conditions were actually WORSE, if that was possible. After hundreds of people traipsed through the mud and water, each person with shoes that needed to drain...the mud was worse and stretched on for longer distnces. Plus, my reflexes were slower and I was more tentative through these spots. Despite that, I ran more on my 3rd loop than any other time. At this point it hurt to walk, it hurt to run, but running hurt less and was faster so...run I did. My Pacer Mike was mazing. Perfect aount of entertainment, encouragement and care taking. :) He got me to run, kept me running, made sure I was eating and drinking, gave me space when I just needed to cry(which I did, often, actually...this was a very emotional event for me)let me complain and was right there to point out the positives to keep my spirits up... He really and truly got me through that last loop. Man, if you EVER need a pacer, this is your guy :) I wanted to stop SO many times and he just made it fun becuse HE was having so much fun, it was great.

Sometime while we were out there they instituted a cut-off time...which by the time I found out, was 10 minutes off and we were still over 5 miles out. I knew I was not going to make even that...and it was really ok. There were a few moments on tht last lap where I thought about trying for the 100 still...but I knew it was probably not the best idea, plus this was something Michelle and I were going to do together and I couldn't do it without her. And honestly? There is no way I could have. When I crossed the finish line with 75 miles done....I was DONE. I could NOT have gone out again.

So, HUGE thanks and love to my super awesome friend Michelle whom I love more than chocolate, my AMAZING pacer Mike, and ll the fabulous volunteers and of course the GREATEST Rd's Bob and Josh...they are good stuff.

There is a lot of good that happened in this race and I need to focus on that... :)
I set a goal for myself to run through the suck. I have always been someone who would run when its fun and when it wasn't I would stop. I trained for this mentally, as really, running 100 miles is NOT fun. At least not all the time. :) I did this, as the whole race was a challenge for me, and I did not give up, quit or stop. I ran 75 miles in 24+ hours which is not only the farthest distance I have eve run but the longest time I have ever run for. I had NO stomach issues whatsoever. This is HUGE. I took one anti-nausea pill when the heat felt like it was making me roll sightly and it was enough. I ate almost every hour, drank the perfect amount, pee'd often(important ultra stuff, lol) I learned that I CAN actually walk/hike fast and incorporate that into my racing without losing time and it is what saved my stomach. And, I really believe that despite my other issues, had there not been so much mud/water, and had I not had the 2 weeks leading up to this race I had had...I woud have finished. I have no doubt.

As difficult as this was, I regret nothing. It was an amazing experience with some equally amazing people in REALLY tough conditions. ONE loop was brutal. Really. Anyone reading this that chose one loop and to be done, NO shame in that. This was the hardest thing I have ever run through, and I have run a lot of races. Races with elevation can be tough because climbing when you are tired is rough, BUT you know you get to go DOWN too! This mud/water...was MENTALLY just mind-numbing (well, and dangerous which explains all the injuries that took place...LOTS of rolled ankles, sprains, hip flexor strains, oh my...)

So overall I feel as I would expect to feel...tired, sore, my feet are HUGELY swollen, and my neck hurts from looking at my feet for 24 hours :) But I am happy.

So....though I told everyone never again...never say never....

Running, lifting and eating. Who'da thunk it?

I cannot tell you how over the moon I am. Seriously, I am stupid excited that I finally GET IT!!! WooHoo!!!

I get that in order to be healthy, TRULY healthy, you have to eat. Like, enough to fuel your life. And you need to MOVE, and lift things that weigh a LOT. And its ALL GOOD!!!

I have been incredibly emotional this past week. Mostly because I have finally found what I have been searching for for so many years...PEACE WITH MYSELF.

You see, disordered eating, constant *dieting* or restricting, trying to eat to fit some sort of dogma or spiritual bruhaha...yeah, no. I was startving myself without even realizing it. I was starving my brain, my body and my soul. I *thought* I was some sort of zen package of awesomesauce, eating raw, or vegan or *enter clean eating/blahblahblah here* and I was SO far off base...

In the last 2+ weeks I ate REAL food. 3 meals in a day MOST days, or 2 meals and a few big snacks...lots of protien, veggies, carbs(omg) chocolate(of course) FATS(eeek!) wine(duh) I drank some green smoothies because I WANTED them, my body craved them...not because I had to or omg-I-am-not-clean-enough...

Though my weight has actually gone back up I am ok with it. Because I proved to myself that by eating I feel better, have more energy, am happier, can sleep better, do more, lift more, run more...need I SAY more? :) I also know that I will lose the weight my body does not need as I build muscle. And let me tell you about my muscle...I have always coveted shoulders. Guess who has them? Oh, yeah...that's right. Calves? Yep. Honkin' biceps? Hell yeah...I am eyeballing the tractor tire down the road and wondering if the house its at will let me take it so I can move it around my yard. :)

This past few weeks has LITERALLY changed my life. When I set out to become a Personal Trainer, I knew it was because I wanted to help people, specifically women, who had battled years of basically what I have gone through...but I was still going through it so how the hell was THAT going to work? Then the Universe dropped a few choice internet *saviors* into my life, along with me FINALLY commiting to the long slow distance and now I not only have the clarity on HOW I can help others, more importantly I got the clartity on how to help myself...who knew?

Now, I am doing 5 days a week of weight training which I add to weekly. I am running 50-60mpw average, which I expect will change as the weather warms and I get even stronger and leaner...but the biggest blessing to me is how I FEEL. I have NEVER in my adult life(aside from perhaps when I was pregnant) felt comfortable in my own skin. Even though I have a ways to go to get where I want to be, I am starting to feel comfortable NOW. And by golly...it is nothing short of amazing. :)

The Race that Wasn't and It's Been a While

I am a terrible blogger. :)

Oh well.

So, Friday I headed over to do the Race Around the Lake...a race I love to hate. I love it because I have done it twice before and placed both times. The first year I did it it was my very first ultra ever and the best year I have run it. Everything went well, and I came in first with 54 miles. I skipped a year, and went back last year and came in second with 48 miles. It was brutally humid last year with lots of drops and slow runs. I did not have the best race and wanted to drop mysef but a friend of mine came out and paced me to the finish, saving my race. This year I was actually kind of excited, as I had a few friends going and 3 of them were going for 24 hours. I had grandiose plans of hitting 100k...I am certinaly in shape for it...but...yeah, didn't happen.

I got there with plenty of time to relax, set up and have a snack. I ate a great lunch of *safe* foods, and I had my own aid food and drink of things I had successfully used in training. I was really all set. I took off easy, knowing it would take me a few laps to get into a groove as the marathon and ultras go off all at once and its sort of a clusterf*ck to get a place at that point. I was getting into my groove and I hit the first hour and my time to eat/take salt. I try to eat and do salt every hour so I remember and again, that is what I do in training and it works. Ran through and grabbed a bar and scaps and took off. Ate through the next loop and drank and then...something happened. Somewhere around mile 10 I got a WAVE of nausea and puked...and the nausea never left for the rest of the night. Sometimes it was worse than others but I was stuck. I knew this was going to suck royally and I knew, at mile 12 that if I could not eat, there was NO way I could do 100k on no food. I tried EVERYthing...I could chew but not swallow past my gag reflex. Not good. I switched to plain water, and could only drink that if it was mostly ice...as soon as the ice melted I couldn't drink it. At that point I figured I would just keep going until I ran out of fuel, which I figured would be somewhere around 30 miles.

I had to slow WAY down, probaby doing 12min/miles at best, with walk breaks when the nausea got too bad. My pacers showed up around 11pm and I explained what was going on. I was able to run a lap with them, and then I sent them to run on their own as they came to run and I wasn't doing more than a slog, lol. We ran again at some point during the night for a few but overall, they didn't get to do much pacing...I ran with my friend Bill too, or walked, and he actually walks SO fast it made me MORE nauseous! I had to ask him to slow down, lol. I started setting mini goals- first to get to 20 miles, then 30, then 40...when I hit what I thought was 35 though I had pretty much hit my limit though. I wasn't able to drink anything at that point and had walked the entire last lap so I knew I was out of fuel and I could feel it...I did not want to continue and do damage...been there done that, and I'm all set. I must have miscounted somewhere as I had done more laps than I thought and was actually at what I thought was 38m(turned out to be 39) and thought I should go out for one more lap to make it 40...and my stomach did a roll letting me know I was indeed, done. :)

I hung out and watched the rest of the 12 hr finish, chatted with some friends and got to see my pal Steve, which I do believe was the highlight of my night :) Snoozed for a bit and then packed it in and headed home. I was still struggling to eat/drink so I wanted to get home where I had more options and I REALLY wanted to sleep. I was finally able to eat some crackers and flat coke(not the best choice but I needed something to settle my stomach!) and then later on had a big fruit salad, OJ, and the best green smoothie ever :) Slept off and on all day and actually slept through the night and slept IN until 8:30 this morning!!! NEVER HAPPENS! I was so excited to SLEEP! I feel great today, and am heading out for a run a little later :)

So...I have no idea what happened. It was EXTREMELY humid, but I can't blame that as I have run training runs in humidity before and to be sick by 10m...I run 10m several times a week. I did nothing new, nothing wrong...it just wasn't my night. I *think* I know what is going on...

I tend to be a stubborn one and do not always make good choices. I think trying to run multiple long runs/races at this point in my training is just dumb. It wasn't that long ago that I had my relapse and what I seem to forget is though I crash hard and fast, the climb out of that pit is long and slow. I am not 100% and won't be for a bit longer. I still feel off, tired, and...well not 100% and I really need to honor that and give myself the time to get back, which I will. I look at my race this past Spring where I PR's at the 50k coming off a good winter of training where I had been healthy and feeling good. I *know* it is possible, I simply need to allow myself the time to get back to that place...and I will. I am dialing in my diet and feeling better with that- a mix of raw and vegan is working well as I am finding I do need *some* cooked grains in my diet. I am ramping up my miles and recovering well from that, getting ready to add some cross training...but I still need to remember that I have a chronic illness and I am not *like everyone else*...as much as I would LIKE to ignore the fact that I have a crappy immune system, I have a crappy immune system. Between the Lyme and the Hashi's...I hate excuses, and I hate using them but...the fact is these things DO affect my training and performance. Period. I simply have to do the best I can with what I have to deal with.

Plus, the way I look at it, everything I do from this point until the end of next Mat is prep for Peak. Running 30+miles wanting to puke the whole time is actually good mental training, lol. Running THAT much over 10 days you KNOW I am not going to feel like farting rainbows the whole time. So, I think of this as having been a training run for Peak. Plus, aside from a wee bit of soreness in my legs, I feel totally fine, which tells me if I could have eaten at the race I would have done well.  Oh, well. Still a good training run, and another ultra on the books.

I do think I need to start making better choices though. No more back-to-back weekend races, I am actually going to do some tapering before I go to CO to pace my pal KZ at Leadville...I need to treat that like a race. Even though we won't be going super fast when I hook up with him, the climbs and altitude WILL be an issue. I want to go into that well rested and prepared. :) After that, I am looking at one race a month. VT50 in September, Ghost Train in October(which might be 100k not 100m) then Stone Cat in November...which is a week after GT...eek! But by then I should be able to do that. After that I am only doing one race betw. Nov. and Peak at the end of May(unless I jump into the Spring TARC which I might) and just focus on my training for Peak. I can't afford to do a bunch of races and go into Peak tired. So, no racing for me in 2013 until AFTER Peak. As in MAYBE I will do Stone Cat...and then? I am looking ahead, down the road and knowing that Peak will be life changing I am thinking beyond that I may go back to just running to run...sticking to the low key club races. I am just about over the big races with all the people and hoopla...I want to just meet up with people and run to run...no pressure, no fanfare...just a few people going out and doing their thing. :)

For now...everything is for Peak. That is my main focus at this point and I am pretty excited about seeing what I can do. :) Speaking of which...its time for that run... :)