Wherein I spill my guts out all over the place...

I have sat down to write in this blog a hundred times lately and every time I do...words just fail to come. Oh, they are there...but there are SO many I just don't know where to start. So, this may be very discombobulated and disjointed...if anyone actually even reads this anymore, lol...

These last few months have been trying, to say the least. My health has been teetering on the edge of who-knows-what. I thought my marriage for SURE was over. I ran as much as I could, but they were probably junk miles more than anything...but it is a mental health thing for me too so not a total waste...I am also an emotional NONeater, which oddly, causes me to gain weight. So to add to everything else, I have GAINED weight, am running slower...and I am embarrassed by this.  Seriously, to the point I have avoided running with friends bc I am, idk, ashamed? Its not like I put on 40lbs but *I* feel it and feel slower bc of it. Now that things have smoothed out some, I have been eating somewhat better but the weight seems to be liking me far more than I like it. Frustrating, to say the least.  I am also having some other health issues, some of which are leading me to think I may be in early menopause. I'm sorry...wtf? I really won't know anything until I get some labs done, as it could be my Hashimoto's...as in, my thyroid is completely off kilter, which would be an easy fix. The other possibilities...eh. I would just have to roll with I guess.

Having spent a lifetime with disordered eating and a distorted body image, ANY changes send me off the edge. I am trying to combat this, and have, as of 2/1 started a fairly religious weight traning program that I have been doing 5 days a week. I don't *do* gyms, so it is all stuff I can do at home, and nothing crazy as I tend to bulk up quickly. I am just looking to increase my strength/definition/muscle percentage basically. I am hoping this helps with weight loss but also with simply feeling stronger and having more power during longer runs, particularly on trails. Thinking is, if I *feel* better about myself, I won't be so worried about how I *look* (to me, things that no one else sees.)

Oh, how I wish I could simply just *Be*....people say *Why don't you?* If only it was that easy...I guess because I have NEVER just BEEN.

I have always been grateful I can run at all. Having a chronic illness, and having to take MONTHS off sometimes has made me appreciate SO much when I can run...and I still feel that way. I am happy to get out there. I do not define myself by the races I run, only that I *am* a runner, albeit a slow one.

Oddly, ALL of this is a big part of why I wanted to become a Personal Trainer. I wanted to show people you do not have to be some skinny-minny bippie chick to be fit and healthy. I wanted to show them, look at me, I am not *perfect* yet I can do ABC...but now I feel like a hippocrite. I think its why I have put off finishing my projects/exam...because I feel like I will fail. Sadly, I am lacking in the self-confidence department....

I am a helper. It is part of who I am. Side story...yesterday while we were skiing, a woman was having a really hard time on the bunny slope. I went over to see if she needed help, which she did, so I helped her, went down a few times with her and taught her a few things. It was fun and she was so sweet. My kids told me I should be a ski instructor since I was *so good at it* and my first thought was *they would NEVER hire me*...some other random woman took a PICTURE of us bc she said it was so nice that I did that for this woman. I didn't think of it like that but...ok. Its what I do. I like to help people. To me its a pay-it-forward kind of thing...God knows I have been helped enough times in my life and I *do* feel its why I am on this earth but... eh, I just do not feel that I am *enough* and it stands in my way in almost every aspect of my life and it causes me HUGE amounts of anxiety.

If you made it this far, you may be asking yourself *wtf does this have to do with running raw, aka the title of this blog?* Well, *raw* can be many things...raw food, yes...and raw emotions. Letting it all hang out is me being totally raw. I need ot get this out, because I need to change it. I am 40-freaking-1 years old and I have no intention of living out my life in this *state*.  Sprng is on its way, a time of new beginnings and new growth. I am looking to make the best of this coming season...

Oh, and I am actually coming back around to the raw food eating....I just feel the best when I do, even for a few months at a time. Not sure how *religious* I will be with it, but in lieu of my health concerns, I feel it is best right now to avoid ANY known allergen(to me) and just eat very simply and clean until I get through whatever-this-is.

I have no doubt there will be further installments to this story...